Rest assured, you will be seeing a lot of helpful training posts on this blog. Interesting posts. Heart warming posts about the love that Team Unruly has for their dogs. This is NOT that post.
I have three dogs. I love two of them. But my Molly? She is downright rotten. And guess what? She couldn’t care less! Sure, she has her Canine Good Citizen certification. Sure, just a month ago she walked two Rally Obedience legs with scores of 190+. She is a gorgeous athlete. A relentless charmer. The reason that pitbulls are nicknamed “french kissers”. That doesn’t change the fact that my Molly? Is a bad girl. Molly has way too many of my family and friends fooled. So, please view these ten examples (of the one thousand that I could provide.) and I will set the record straight once and for all.
You talkin’ ’bout me?
1. In The Beginning…
Molly came from a shelter in Lancaster County, PA. As I walked in the door, I saw a young couple tearfully surrendering a sweet widdle pitbull puppy. They had adopted brother and sister, but couldn’t handle both puppies. So the story goes. I should have known then. The rotten puppy was returned! The deceit continued further when I asked to meet Molly and she quietly curled into my lap and sighed. This was a complete scam. Molly does not curl up and sigh. She prefers to be galloping across the ceiling or backs of my couches. Molly is so impolite that she even peed on the floor while I filled out the adoption papers.
2. Molly is a terrible house guest.
I don’t mean to compare. Actually, I do. When I take my other two dogs to visit someone, they are charming. Social, playful, charming, perhaps begrudgingly taking the odd treat here or there, and NEVER acting like an unhousebroken hooligan. Not Molly! Molly will muscle homeowners off of their own couch. Maybe send a lamp flying here or there. And on one absolutely shameful visit to a very dear friend’s home…Molly ran into my friend’s bedroom and peed on her bed. Why would any normal dog do that?? And of course she has peed on someone’s floor. I say she is an expressive pee-er. But really? She is kind of a jerk.
Molly hollers at me for cruelly restraining her to a tree.
3. Molly is LOUD.
The Shivering Yips Video. << Go ahead. Click that weird link. When Molly does not get what she wants, she talks about it. Loudly. In this instance she wanted to pounce on a well behaved cattle dog and owner minding their own business. Crate Molly at the agility building? Forget it. Tether Molly on a hike so that I can compose a photo? Prepare for the Yips. After a long drive to a hiking trail, I may want to leave Molly in the car so that I can use the bathroom before hiking. OUTRAGE.
4. That Couch Issue.
We have a green couch in our “den” area. It is not for people. It is for Molly. Just two nights ago, Molly was sprawled out on the couch while I had to lay
Oh, so cute. No co-snuggling, though!
on the L.L.Bean dog bed on the floor! If the couch is full of humans, Molly will pace back and forth and stare. She snorts and snuffles. She searches for an angle in. Then she will dive on top of the weakest of the human herd. And heaven forbid that she cannot secure a spot on the couch and she has to resort to the terrible armchair or … not the dog bed. And just go ahead and fall asleep on the green couch. You will wake in the wee hours of the morning with a spoiled brindle pitbull on your chest. Staring at you. Either that, or you will find yourself slowly and quite literally pushed to the floor. There is an eject button for the green couch, and it has four feet.
5. Rudeness to Siblings.
My corgi, Ein, has a personal bubble. Seriously, you can almost see it shimmering around him while he walks. Molly has no respect for bubbles, personal space, or other beings whatsoever. Molly prefers to yank Ein around by his furry neck ruff. And when that isn’t fun anymore, she enjoys body slamming my poor standard poodle, Perri. Harmless game of chase? No way.
No one likes a pool splasher!
Molly likes to spice it up, and by the end of her games, everyone ends up belly up with paws flailing in the air. And Molly just waits for them to get back up so that she can do it all over again.
And there was that time that Molly blasted Ein in the back of the skull with a large tree branch that she was hurtling down the trail with.
6. Did I Mention Rude?
Molly is a dirty filthy dog humper. She humps Perri, she humps her golden retriever cousin Everett, and she used to hump Ein before she became too tall. But the worst of all? If she is frustrated in agility class she humps ME. And as though that isn’t bad enough, she might start playing tug of war with her leash or my sleeve. All of this has resulted in a strict time out schedule and more intelligent clothing choices. But really. I hate to compare. (No I don’t.) Do I have this problem with my other lovely dogs? No!
7. The Ball. Ball. Ballballball. BALL!BALL!BALL!
What is more relaxing than a nice game of fetch between owner and dog? Not much. With Molly, however, it is a life or death situation! A military operation! When the ball is thrown, any people or dogs in Molly’s path will be plowed over, aside, or away. (Just ask Ein the corgi.) That is irritating enough. But Molly cannot play fetch with a normal ball. She chews the ball
A ball-crazed expression on the face of Bad Dog.
in mid-run so that it is broken down to pieces within five minutes of play. It has to be a special Chuck-It Ultra Ball.
But it gets WORSE. WORSE! When Molly runs the ball to me, she drops it 20 feet ahead of me. Or maybe where she picked it up. Or maybe she loses it entirely. She might go for a swim with her ball and leave it fly downstream. But the end result is the same. She eventually returns to me – WHY? – wanting me to throw the ball. If I don’t throw it, she rushes me and jumps on me. Then she licks her lips and snorts and jumps again. THROW MY BALL! And she is the imbecile that lost the ball in the first place! Oh, do I sound like a raving lunatic? Sorry about that.
8. Molly eats stuff.
And if she doesn’t eat it, she rolls in it. I’ve got the ASPCA Poison Control Hotline hanging on my fridge for a reason. The short off-the-top-of-my-head-list: earthworm. possum poop. deer poop. rabbit poop. homeless guy poop (this is true!). dead fish. dead cat. dead rabbit. dead everything. deer heart. deer entrails. deer skin. water filter. cough drops. squeakers. compost pile. xylitol laced gum. any food item left unattended for 1/10th of a second.
Special Discussion 1/SQUEAKERS. Let’s talk about squeakers. Molly is not allowed to have squeaker toys. And you know why? Because she eats the squeakers, and they sit in her stomach. And then all at once she does a System Purge and vomits at least five yellowed and foul smelling squeakers into some corner of my home. Once she system purged on my foot while I was on the phone with the “Cable Guy”. (this is also true!)
Special Discussion 2/FIRE PIT. My husband and I burn non-recyclable /
Molly roots through a fire pit on the Appalachian Trail.
compostable trash. We have a nice little burn pit in our yard that doubles as a campfire. If given the opportunity, Molly enjoys rooting through the charred leavings in search of morsels. She also does this on Appalachian Trail hikes. It is not uncommon to find campfire rings along the Trail and Molly never misses an irritating opportunity to snorfle through the ashes. (Safety Disclaimer – Molly does not snorfle through anything that could burn that angelic face or terrible lips.) Now, I HATE TO COMPARE. But I enjoy that I don’t have to micro manage the other dogs to keep them out of the fire pit. As always, Molly creates an extra chore.
9. Molly has a bad hind end.
Molly can clear a room with her farts. She is famous for farting in my tiny Honda, when no escape is to be had. Bonus if it is a freezing cold day and window lowering is not an option. Her farts vary from loud and long to completely silent, and all paired with that same condescending expression that she always fixes me with.
And if that is not bad enough, Molly has a bum set of anal glands. On a normal dog, the anal glands will express with normal bowel movement. Since Molly is completely disgusting, she has to express her anal glands manually by licking them. This often happens in the car, or on the couch, or in front of company. Sharing makes friends, right? And the only thing that smells worse than a Molly Fart is a Molly Anal Gland Expression. YUCK.
10. Mind Control.
The worst part of all is that even though Molly is rotten? Everyone loves her. And they act like *I* am the one who is out of my mind.
My sister is Molly’s self-proclaimed lawyer. (to defend her of all naughty things that dear Molly could never have done.) My friend wants to write a story book about her. My husband’s work clients invite her into their homes and give her snacks. And my husband is the worst lost-cause Molly lover that there ever was.
Here is where I sum it all up by saying that I really do love Molly. (sometimes.) That I accept the naughty with the good. (ugh!) That she is both a challenge and a joy to train and live with. (argh!) That she makes me laugh more than any other dog. (bitter laughter.) That I am completely proud of her strength, independence and personality. (gag.) That I have a million fond memories for every ten bad ones. That I adore my bad, smelly Molly-Moo.
Mind Control is clearly at work here. I don’t love this dog!